2014 Tour de France: Dope Free!

Yeah, I had to emerge from my cave, cause it is time for the Tour de France, all reformed from the chronic days of dope, dope, dope!  Sure enough, the riders will go through the sham physical to measure their fitness levels, three thousand miles of hammering throughout the state of France with variable weather and terrain features are no joke!  It would be great if the physicals also collected urine from the entire peloton and farmed out to those infallible WADA laboratories for examination, prior to the grand depart, then there would not be so many rest day surprises. There always seems to be somebody who tests positive during a rest day test, much to the chagrin of the teams who end up packing their bags for an unceremonious exit.

Not to worry, though.  The UCI has swept the garbage out the door, the days of bribery and cover-ups have gone through a state of metamorphoses.  The old UCI was best compared to rats emerging from a sewer.  But behold, the new and improved UCI is now praised as a shining beacon of truth, straightforwardness, and transparency!  The UCI mantra is zero tolerance and eternal vigilance.  Don't dare to dope!  Vampires are waiting, and if we don't detect you with a urine or blood sample, there is always the UCI Biological Passport waiting in the wings; and as everyone knows, the UCI Biological Passport is superior in all aspects to positive tests.  Trends and tendencies take precedence over solid, indisputable evidence.  If you don't believe me go ask USADA, who claims that in 2009 and 2010 longitudinal data prove  Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing substances during those years.  Of course, Lance Armstrong claims that he used nothing post-2005, but who are you going to believe, Lance Armstrong or the UCI Biological passport?

So watch out Christopher Froome and Team Sky, we are ready to "pounce" on you if we detect the slightest variation in your physiology; not that we suspect you and your team of doping!  Three years of dominance by the same team in the Tour de France seems impossible without artificial aid of pharmaceutical origin; but maybe I am being cynical, being burned and lied to by my past heroes time and again.  There is nothing worse than watching a breathtaking performance on the bike by a professional rider in a physically demanding race.  You are mesmerized, transfixed with attention, heart pounding, zealously applauding your hero as he drops the group at a fatal moment up some beyond category col; the deciding moment! only to have the whole performance exposed as a charade fourteen years later.  These episodes are devastating to pure cycling fanaticism, and are perhaps not singular, either.  But they certainly don't catch every Tour de France champion who used performance-enhancing drugs, or do they desire to expend the effort to investigate every case, the trail does grow cold after years of inactivity, cold cases do prove hard to solve, but there is plenty of antecedent evidence available if one were inclined to play the sleuth.

After all, doping didn't start in 1999 and end in 2010, give me a break!  Ever done leg breaking intervals up to a steep incline in a large gear in thirty plus degree Celsius heat?  Sweat streams off your face in buckets, you feel like you are going to die.  Try doing that for four straight hours over a hundred hard mountain miles; category three, two, one, HC, cols: how do those professional riders recover from such demanding physical tasks without taking a daily saline solution to re-hydrate?  How do these riders replenish their glucose stores in one day after such demanding physical tasks?  Pasta and meat chunks?  The feed zone?

Mitochondria works best with oxygen, baby!  What's the best way to provide oxygen to the mitochondria?  A blood transfusion with your own stored blood.  You reduce the risk of infection and the vampires can't detect a thing.  By the way, blood transfusions used during the Tour de France didn't start in 1999 and end in 2010!

So get ready to play the sleuth.  We may not have justice for past crimes that will never be punished, but we sure can "pounce" on the crimes that have yet to be committed.